-All of my close friends attend, as well as several “A-list” celebrities. Even the caterers are all people I would be friends with, were they not part of the catering industry. My enemies are not in attendance, having been systematically assassinated by a mafia don friend of mine who needed to consolidate his power.

-The entertainment includes a live band, a magician, and six clowns, each of whom has been led to believe that he has an enemy and a protector among the other clowns.

-There are fifty cakes arranged neatly in five rows of ten, unlabeled and undecorated. Each represents a different state of the union. Once everyone has mingled for a while, an announcement is made and everyone gathers round the cakes: three expert taste-tester geographers have been hired for the specific purpose of cleaning up the huge mess we are about to make.

-Outdoors on the field, four historical reenactors are in the process of reenacting all of the important moments from my life that involve cannon fire.

-The seating arrangement is an unqualified success, the result of months of meticulous study and trial, after which it was finally settled that there would be one chair for every guest, thank you very much.

-The gift table is overflowing, but none of the guests see this as a weakness of the table itself.

-All of my ex-girlfriends look on in sheer amazement and envy, of their own volition. After the party, none of them will be allowed to have sex with me, or none of them will be allowed not to have sex with me—I haven’t decided yet.

(NHS)